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There is an art to playing hard to get. Push it too far, and you will end up missing out on an amazing relationship. So if you are working on luring a new romantic interest, you need to keep in mind that not everyone has the energy, attitude or drive to knock down every brick of the wall you’ve put up. They’ll only try for so long, so before they give up and go away, reach out to them today. You’ve been bewildering to them for too long. Make the connection.

this is what my horoscope today tells me. is it not fascinating to actually find something enlightening in horoscopes? it really is. the past years have been really difficult. things have become routinary since the day i fucked up just in the hope of someday convincing myself that i will be okay. perhaps, i have done so but not totally. i managed to actually live a life that i envisioned myself to lead after that fateful day. to describe it as boring will be a hypocrisy on my part because it is not just boring but it is overly dull, atleast in my standards. partying and socializing have become a passe. friends have all gone somewhere. the S word has been a thing of my younger years. and Bs have been reduced to mere objects. perhaps this is part of growing up or perhaps, i have become too jaded. i don’t know actually. it’s hard to tell. i don’t even know if i believe in that f*ckin love anymore. hahaha. anyway, in my pursuit to put things away from my mind, i unconsciously built walls around me that even my friends find it difficult to penetrate. it took me years to realize that. the funny thing is it came through a horoscope. the world has really changed, has it not? horoscopes have become amazing advices. hahaha. but anyway, thanks to my sign. i guess i’ll have to take it from there.

Ever came across this Zen Koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books?  You know the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping?  I don’t know the answer to that one.  But ask one what’s the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer.

Welcome to the dark side of love.  What is the sound of our heart breaking?  It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it’s the sound of a telephone that doesn’t ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it’s the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.  It s the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into million pieces at recognizing the word “goodbye,” it’s the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it’s the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it’s the sound of cherubs dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in vortex of Cupid’s kitchen sink, it’s the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.  It’s the sound of the rain that doesn’t ever stop, the sound of all doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there’s no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of “I love you” burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.  The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make you your pathetic “SOS-to the world,” the cracking of the brittle blackened petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the wound of the music he used to make going to your gut.  The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tears.  It’s the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn’t there, if winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it’s the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it’s the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with. Destruction isn’t always as noisy as bombs exploding.  Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery.  No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.   

Tonight, the starts are out

But the sky is still gloomy

I am free

And yet, I am lonely

The street is clear

It’s sad the litters are everywhere

I am alone

But my life is in clutter

Lanterns are all over the place

But their lights don’t excite me

I have loved with all of me

Yet, I have failed the better part of me

Nov. 5, 2006

Only a day is left before the semestral break is over yet the end of my idea of you and I is nowhere in sight. I have spent the month trying to get over you but I cannot seem to force myself to pick up the pieces and finally move on. You are in every corner of the house. The memories that found home in this structure recur everytime. My housemates always remind me of you. I can see that they miss you too. There are just too many good memories that make it hard for me to let you go…the malls that we went to, the cinemas where we watched movies together, the restos where we dined in, the coffee shops where we spent most of our times catching up…and the list goes on. But my life has to start again. I know I still have so many years ahead of me to take care of…so many dreams built around you to fulfill albeit alone. Perhaps I could use these same memories to make things easier for us. I would like to remember them as they are when I think of you; instead of forcing the idea of you and me together and only end up with nothing but bad memories. But don’t get me wrong. I still and will always love you the way I have always loved you. And know that I have no regrets at all. I’m glad I met you and let myself fall so deeply for I have felt a profound happiness that lucky people experience only once in their lifetime. Yes, I am moving on but in my heart and mind the idea of you and I remains.

Whatever happens, I don’t want us to lose touch. Not exactly the way you said it but that’s how it seemed to me back then. I was overwhelmed , of course, to have read that message…so overwhelmed that I totally believed in it. Nine months after, the words lost their meaning. Yes, we exchange text messages sometimes but never really talked in those messages. Sadly, the "touch" was lost. I cannot complain. You are not mine and you don’t love me the way you used to as you claimed. I am now just your guy friend or better yet, an acquaintance. Again, I cannot object but it hurts…BIG TIME.

It hurts every waking morning to check my phone without any message from you. It hurts everytime I don’t get a reply after texting you. It hurts to realize that the dreams I have built around you will forever go unfulfilled. It hurts to convince myself every minute that I will be alright without you when I know that days will pass and I will not love the way I loved and still love you. It hurts to try to get rid of the beautiful memories we had and to think that nothing else will follow. It hurts to realize that you, of all people, taught me that letting go is as hard as fighting for your own life when you are already dying. It hurts to realize that that text message was just a lie.